Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Sales of Black Berets Surge as Resistance Movement Grows

BERKELEY, CA—Sales of black berets in the United States have surged as an increasing number of A-list celebrities, college professors, students, and political pundits join the growing Resistance movement. 

The popular knit caps evoke the bold fashion statement first made by the French underground during World War II as they defied Nazi Germany. 

But today the cute fuzzy chapeaux have been deemed the perfect accessory for vogue virtual signaling.

“The half-witted fuck-knuckle currently in the Oval Office is worse than Hitler,” said Leena Le Crétin, a Leisure Studies major at UC Berkeley, proudly sporting black beret while protesting tax cuts in the campus quad. “The president’s inane Tweets are the moral equivalent of invading Europe and sending millions to the gas chambers.”

“Hence the hat,” she added.

The Resistance in the United States grew out of opposition to the election of Donald Trump in 2016. In an effort to recapture the excitement and romance of previous legitimate opposition movements, activists soon settled on the black beret as a fitting symbol of defiance.

As for the original Resistance movement of the 1940s, soon after the Allied victory  berets became passé among the French. Mimes and San Francisco-based Beat poets quickly scooped up the deeply discounted hipster hats. Later, it was a sartorial staple of Che Guevara, who was personally responsible for the execution of hundreds of Cubans.

Unfortunately, the black beret was eventually appropriated by English comedy troupe Monty Pythons Flying Circus.

“Don’t even get me started on that,” said Le Crétin.

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Friday, July 13, 2018

SCOTUS Nominee Brett Kavanaugh Seen Using Plastic Straw

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nominee for the Supreme Court of the United States Brett Kavanaugh was spotted using a plastic, non-biodegradable drinking straw late Thursday, a development which automatically disqualifies him for the post claims Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.

Kavanaugh, who is in town visiting lawmakers in advance of confirmation hearings later this fall, was photographed tentatively sipping on a large Diet Coke from a clear plastic straw apparently purchased from a local McDonald’s using a maxed-out credit card. 

He was quickly surrounded by an angry, chanting crowd led by U.S. Representative Maxine Waters, who used a megaphone to straw-shame the judge. “The straw dogma lives loudly within him,” she angrily claimed at a press conference later.

On Monday, Starbucks, the nation’s largest food and drink retailer, announced that it would no longer use straws. Instead, patrons ordering a Venti Iced Skinny Hazelnut Macchiato, Sugar-Free Syrup, Extra Shot, Light Ice, No Whip, will be served the beverage in an all-plastic double-walled sippy cup. 

Local 3 year-olds could not be reached for comment. 

"This is a significant milestone to achieve our global aspiration of sustainable coffee, served to our customers in more sustainable ways," said a Starbucks spokesperson. “Oh, and, Judge Kavanaugh is a racist, sexist, Nazi, Catholic, homophobe who threatens to destroy the very fabric of our nation,” she added.

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Friday, July 6, 2018

Washington on Edge as Typical Friday Afternoon Looms

WASHINGTON, D.C.—While most Americans look forward to Friday afternoon as marking the end of their workweek with the promise of a relaxing weekend ahead, many Washington insiders—from interns to Congressional committee chairs—have come to dread that time when major announcements are made just minutes before the Capitol closes down for the week.

Unpopular policies, legal rulings, presidential appointments, embarrassing disclosures, sex scandals, resignations, terminations, and all other sorts of otherwise shocking developments that would normally dominate the news cycle are simply dumped on whoever is left answering the phones in newsrooms while high-profile journalists are still walking out to their cars—all in the hopes that it will blow over before Monday morning.

Politicians in particular regard the approach of the last day of the business week with growing trepidation. “It really starts on Friday morning,” said one Washington insider who asked not to be named while his own legal appeal is pending. “There is this growing sense that something big is coming down—heads are going to roll, reputations will be ruined, careers will abruptly end.”

While many companies across the country are enjoying “Casual Friday,” dressing down in khakis and polos, sharing potluck lunches and even setting up margaritas machines, Beltway employees gather in break rooms and around water coolers, exchanging furtive glances and speculating on which executive order or felony arrest would be disclosed before 5 p.m.

“Every Friday is ‘Black Friday’ in this town,” complained one Congressman who asked not to be identified while jury selection for his case was underway.

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Brought to you by: “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...

Thursday, June 28, 2018

Trump to Nominate Guy Named Bob for Supreme Court

Trump to Nominate Guy Named Bob for SCOTUS

Washington, D.C.—In yet another apparent inexplicable reversal of political direction, President Trump has announced that he will forego selecting a traditional conservative to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, and instead submit as his nominee a guy named Bob.

No last name was given.

After Kennedy’s surprise announcement Wednesday, Republicans publicly rejoiced at the notion of consolidating conservative gains in the Supreme Court, only to see their hopes dashed when Trump Tweeted his intentions early Thursday morning.

Media outlets scrambled to find out more about the nominee’s legal and personal background but so far have come up with little. “We know his name is Bob, he lives in Topeka, Kansas, he’s married, has two kids, and mows his lawn every Saturday,” said Martin Baron, editor for the Washington Post. “He appears to be excruciatingly average.”

Democrats, who were giddy over the prospect of a bruising battle during confirmation hearings and the chance to further drag national discourse into the gutter, are likewise deeply disappointed.

“We were looking forward to dragging the nominee—any nominee—through the mud,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “His private sex life, brainless college term papers, grainy black and white photos of him checking into a motel with a transvestite hooker—any sordid tidbit was going to be fair game.”

California Congresswoman Maxine Waters postponed a press conference scheduled for later today, but those close to the Representative said she had planned to roll out a comprehensive program of relentless harassment consisting mostly of following the nominee around and shouting at him with a megaphone.

But in the absence of a polarizing nominee for the Supreme Court, both parties are at a lost as to what to do next.

When Trump first announced he would run for president as a Republican, many political observers were left scratching their heads. After all, his professed views on various issues seemed more of a pastiche of liberal, moderate, and conservative stances. Politco described his positions as "eclectic, improvisational and often contradictory.” And MSNBC host Joe Scarborough once commented that Trump is essentially more like a "centrist Democrat" on some key issues.

Now the nation is left guessing who and what Bob is.

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Brought to you by: “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Satan Announces “Special Place in Hell” Completely Full

FURNACE CREEK, CA—In a surprise press conference late Thursday, Satan announced that the “Special Place in Hell” is now completely full.

Noting a dramatic increase in “mortals consigning each other to the innermost circle of eternal damnation,” the Devil said he had little choice but to close this most exclusive section of the netherworld for the foreseeable future.

Lucifer blamed social media—particularly Facebook and Twitter—for the spiraling numbers of humans bound for everlasting torment, as personal invective and vitriol descended to depths not seen since the last election.

“People don’t just unfriend—they condemn,” lamented the Prince of Darkness.

This past week’s controversy regarding immigration policy “was really just the final nail in the coffin,” he added.

The ageless catch-phrase “there’s a special place in hell for ____” gained new life in 2016 when former Secretary of State Madeline Albright, while stumping for presidential candidate Hilary Clinton, used the line to shame any woman who strayed from “I’m With Her” groupthink. More recently, Peter Navarro, trade advisor to President Trump, also claimed there was a special place in hell awaiting Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (although it was later pointed out that the PM already had to endure a concert by Canadian recording artists Nickleback).

Coveted space in the Special Place has long been reserved for hundreds of self-important celebrities, politicians from both parties, smug cable news commentators, and that complete tool driving the lifted pick-up truck tailgating you with his high-beams on.

But for now, the Devil is in the details, as he is faced with the daunting task of accommodating millions of souls elsewhere in Hades. “Those deemed to have committed less egregious offenses will be asked to wait in purgatory for several millennia,” explained Beelzebub. “But the more serious sinners will be forced to sit through an entire junior high school show choir recital.”

And for those merely unfriended on Facebook? They may just have to wait an eternity before they get their turn at “Wailing and gnashing of teeth.”

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As reported by “I Just Drive a Truck.” For more information, read our apology and disclaimer here...

Monday, March 20, 2017

Fire Departments Take on Latest Diversity Challenge

SPADRA, CA—After two decades of successfully diversifying its ranks, the nation’s fire departments are now set to tackle the latest challenge when it comes to hiring practices.

“The humorless are still under-represented in fire departments across the county,” notes Peter Throckmorton, a human resources expert for the generational consulting firm of Weiner, Throckmorton & Franks.

Although municipal departments have steadily increased the number of minority and female members over the last 25 years, a recent study concludes that younger, humor-impaired employees still only represent a modest percentage of the total workforce.

“There’s no question about it—we have to do a better job,” concedes John Thomas, Fire Chief for the City of Spadra, California. 

But some legacy members seem resistant to change. “I’m not gonna lie to you, we had some good times back in the day,” reminisced Captain Geoffrey Simms. “Pranks, practical jokes, water buckets, crams, sarcasm, Pollack jokes—you name it.”

But Millennials apparently aren't having any of it. 

“Today’s twenty- and thirty-somethings are more brittle, more easily offended,” notes Throckmorton. “They grew up on soccer trophies, safe spaces, trigger warnings, safety pins—all of that. Their parents and teachers assured them they were precious and special, so Millennials get confused and even butt-hurt if they get Miller-boarded,” he says, referring to a time-honored fire service initiation ritual that has all but disappeared.

And offending the humorless can be costly.

“We’re getting our asses sued off,” said one city official who asked to remain anonymous, but whose name is Norma A. Smith, a secretary in the legal department. “We just can’t afford humor anymore.”

Conceded Throckmorton, “It’s true that the humorless are naturally more litigious. But that doesn’t mean agencies shouldn't aggressively pursue them in the hiring process.”

To that end, Spadra City Fire has joined hundreds of other departments nationwide in developing finely-tuned and specifically targeted outreach programs and offering special workshops in an effort to attract more humorless prospects. In fact, that department’s program is headed by Firefighter Scot Erickson, who is himself humor-impaired. 

“We’re setting up recruiting booths at college campuses, yoga classes, whole food groceries, Bernie Sanders rallies, and even local Starbucks,” says Erikson, who is genetically unable to detect irony. “Any venue where Jerry Seinfeld or Chris Rock lost a booking, we definitely take a closer look.”

Will it work?

Chief Thomas is optimistic. After all, he says, “The humorless are our future.”

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As reported by “I Just Drive a Truck.” For more information, read our apology and disclaimer here...

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Firefighter Stuck in Tree Calls Cat for Rescue

MOUNT LEE, CA--In an ironic twist to an age-old story, an off-duty firefighter trimming a tree in his backyard became stuck and had to call his cat for help.

Aaron Stott, a veteran firefighter/paramedic for the City of Mount Lee, was thinning out the uppermost branches of a 40 foot-tall eucalyptus tree when the ladder he had propped up against the trunk shifted and fell to the ground, stranding the rescue worker high above in the canopy.

“My heart just sunk,” said Stott.

He attempted to call out for his wife but realized she was inside their home doing mat pilates while blasting to the “Fifty Shades Darker” soundtrack on her iPod earbuds. Only the family cat, Mister Whiskers, loitered below at the base of the tree.

“So I’m like, ‘Mister Whiskers, go get your mom!’” explained Stott.

At first the six year-old siamese simply sat down and started grooming himself. But after about a half hour of imploring the cat to get help and tossing twigs at it, Stott says the tabby finally wandered over to the screen door at the rear of the house and started meowing.

Unfortunately, when his distracted wife opened the backdoor, Stott could only watch on helplessly as the cat then sat down and waited to either be let back out or let back in. This continued for about another hour until the cat ran after a butterfly. It was only then that Stott’s wife Cindy notice her husband high up in the eucalyptus.

“He’s an idiot,” said Cindy Stott, who placed the ladder back against the tree, enabling her exhausted and embarrassed husband to climb down. “I told him to hire an arborist.”

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As reported by “I Just Drive a Truck.” For more information, read our apology and disclaimer here...